12 years ago today I became a mama. 

For the 9 months leading up to it, I obsessed and learned everything I could learn about creating a human. Folic acid, check! Fully organic, SPF50 baby carrier, check! I didn’t worry about what would happen after as I’d been a camp counsellor, a babysitter, an older cousin, a high school teacher, a Sunday school teacher, mental health therapist and, wait for it, an outdoor program coordinator with a feminist geography degree and art education minor. I had this. Heck, I was told at the ripe age of 12 that I was meant to birth babies because of my "childbearing hips". I was repeatedly told that I would be a great mom by my village due to my VAST experience with kids… what else was there to know? 

Sure enough, this kid chose me, and educated me, and … totally and utterly schooled me. He taught me that there was a LOT more to being a parent, and that a weekend babysitting class doesn’t quite cover all the basics. He taught me that taking care of kids is very different than taking care of your kids as in the previous job description, you got to give them back. However, when they’re your own, this job can be relentless - some hours it's soul-shattering and then minutes later it's soul-filling!  Parenting is a constant rollercoaster of emotions, exhaustion, exhilaration, and then we do it again the next day.  

He repeatedly had to teach me that I cannot control everything. That being a “good mom” isn’t about having the right gear (although I did like my baby carrier), obsessing over the amount of food being consumed or even the number of hours he slept. It wasn’t about micromanaging every single moment of his day to ensure out of fear that something I would or wouldn’t do would lead him to a life of drugs, crime and skin cancer. 
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Instead, he showed me that perhaps the best mom is the “good enough” mom.

The “good enough” mom sees the big picture, finds patience every day, and prioritizes connection and wellness. This last part may be my greatest lesson and truthfully, after 12 years, I’m still learning how to be “good enough”, and that, as the captain of this plane, if my oxygen mask isn’t on, I can’t take care of anyone. I’m STILL learning day to day how powerful my emotions are in determining if we’re going to have a day of peace or chaos. AND that if I want peace, I need to manage my own emotions, model my self-care and remind myself that everything he does - his behaviours, actions, thoughts and emotions - is part of his growing up process, and part of what he needs to do to create the brain/nervous system that will help him navigate this big, fast, ever-changing world. He’s not giving me a hard time, he’s having a hard time… rinse and repeat. 

He essentially taught me to breathe. 

This glorious, 7lb15oz human tore out of my body after 23 hours of labour at 10:32 pm. The experience led me to hemorrhage and be put under (post-baby - it was awkward), forced me to take a week of bed rest after my birthing hips failed to labour “easily”, and THEN this little man ate most of my available calories for the next 22 months, which I was later told might explain not one, not two, but possibly the three miscarriages that happened prior to having my second child. And all the while, this beautiful being has taught me to keep showing up! And most importantly, he has taught me to breathe. 

To heal. 

To put my O2 mask on first. 

It was my first big lesson that I couldn’t control everything and let me say, it is a lesson I need to be reminded of almost every. single. day.

Also on the list of HIS parental achievements is teaching me about unconditional love. We hear about it in love songs, but until I went through this day-to-day parental rollercoaster, I’m not convinced I fully understood it. But, I think I get it now. Loving a child is raw, relentless and hard, but it’s also soft, soul-filling and glorious. It’s what keeps me showing up at 2 am when he has a nightmare and my heart breaks into a million pieces that he’s hurting, or at 5:30 pm when it’s time for the “get off screens” dance and I feel incredulous that we have to do this again and again and again, or at 7 am when he crawls into my bed and we have this gentle moment of connection and he tells me that he loves me and “it’s going to be a great day”. This kid teaches me daily to emotionally and courageously pivot, but to always keep one foot on the ground… 

My 12-year-old babe continues to teach me about compassion, thoughtfulness, acceptance and the art of letting go (still working on that one). I knew that words hurt, that rage was scary, and that anger was okay, but I’ve now learned that mistakes and rupture are inevitable (and sometimes welcome), AND that repair is always available and essential.

This beautiful little boy reminds me that, despite his enormous foot size and emergence into adult clothing, he’s still developing and has a long way to go before he’s able to navigate the world on his own. He’s a child. He’s a 12-year-old child, but he’s still a child, and he needs his mama and his papa, and his village almost as much as he needed me back then when he was this little being, nuzzling up my chest to be fed. 

12 years ago I became a mama. I am so deeply grateful that he chose me and continuously teaches me how to be a brave, kind and, despite the many distractions in this pandemic world, a  present human and parent. 

I like what this article has to offer when it comes to discussion. In the end, I believe that one of our jobs is to teach kids to relate to the world in healthy, functional ways. Screens are very much a part of the world.  I'm also not a fan of abstinence only education when it comes to sex and food, so opening my mind to embrace screens in moderation and with intention feels right to me. Put differently, it's a question of who, when, where and why: 

Kids at the dinner table to avoid conversing with the family? No go!  

Toddlers at a restaurant with an ipad? I get it, but this may be a fabulous opportunity to  teach necessary skills to sit, play a small board game, interact and chat at the table! Trust me, it gets easier with more practice (assuming this is a kid who has the capacity to do this - if not, give yourself a break and screen it up! Let those around you judge until the cows come home - you are the parent, doing the best you can, with what tools you have!).

Cuddling on the couch with my son after a rough day to watch his favourite movie? Totally worth it!

11 year old with a phone in his bedroom? Not a great idea!

Having a video game tournament with all family members as a means of connection, letting off steam and fun? Bring it on! In fact, I like to suggest leaning in to screens if my clients LOVE them and their parents want to build some connection with their kids. This becomes an incredible opportunity to model self-regulation, see what your kids are into AND ensure that the games they're playing are best for them (i.e., age-appropriate)!

What are your thoughts? 

Full disclosure: We are a "tech-light" family and use screens to watch movies 1-2 times a week, use the ipad to look up cute puppies, and have a wii fit that comes out once every two months for a weekend.  

Every year, I think about strategies to bring a little more compassion and gentleness into our family.  At bedtime, we practice our daily "rose, thorn, & bud" exercise, have a gratitude jar and have family meetings. We also practice our family mantras, "choose kindness" and "kindness wins” in moments of frustration or sometimes, just because!  While it’s all slowly getting there, I feel a little exasperated when the holidays come around, and my children are writing these lovely holiday wish lists for more stuff as they live in a home filled with (often unplayed with) toys, so much safety and abundance, and heck of a lot of love.  

As such, I’ve always found that our advent calendar is a wonderful opportunity to encourage a daily family reality check, put our kindness into practice  and celebrate all the love, connection and joy in our lives.  In the past, we’ve purchased fifteen $5 gift cards from Starbucks and my kids have handed these out to folks on the street, people they see with a frown on their face or friends at school who need a little pick-me-up. However, this year our Starbucks closed down so I’ve had to get a little more creative. As such, I made these cards, which I laminated and intend to use every year in little pouches I made years ago (we’ve lost Day 7 & 24 ... hmmmm....).  To sweeten the deal, prior to diving into the calendar each day,  I will ask the kids to write down a moment of gratitude (we call this sweetness for sweetness). The plan is that on December 31st, we’ll go through our jar to celebrate all these beautiful, love filled moments. 

Now as for gifts, we have chosen to use this 4 part guide and have had great success in the past! It goes a little like this:  

 Something you want,
something you need,
something to wear,
and something to read.

 We also ask all family memories to forego physical gifts, but contribute to museum or “memory” passes (like going to the NAC or sports games).  It’s worked out rather beautifully thus far and we’ve been able to minimize the amount of stuff we bring into the house (although, truthfully, it’s still way too much!)!  It helps that my kids are totally on page as we have had an ongoing conversation about the environmental impact of consumerism since our trip to Beijing in March, 2018. This year, we’ve challenged the kids to think of recycled gifts and making things using supplies we already have. In fact, I’m still trying to think of something fabulous with the theme of "kindness" for my partner, so if you have any ideas, let me know!  I have 100s of yards of fabric and oodles of yarn - oh, the options! 

Anyway, I thought I’d share our family practice in the off chance you’re madly thinking about something to do for tomorrow’s beginning of advent!  If anything, it’s an opportunity for us to start a conversation about ways to bring kindness into our lives! The more we do this, the stronger we all are as a community of parents.! 

​Wishing you all a fabulous holiday filled with love, health, simplicity and deliciousness,
Rebekka 

Spring is in the air! 

Why not join me and learn more about mindfulness and meditation in the season of new beginnings! 

I’m offering three workshops this Spring, each is unique and caters to different parts of our mindful spirit. 

The first is my Winedfulness course. This course introduces you to the practice of mindful eating (and drinking). We will explore 6 wines that are “off the beaten track” and taste different small plates after. I will introduce mindful meditations as well as provide you with suggestions on how to bring mindfulness into your daily life. This is a great intro course for you and your partner (or friend!). 

Price: $40 (regularly $60) and $75 for two people! Space is limited. 
Date: Saturday, April 14 from 8-10pm. 

My 2nd course is a two part Mindful Parenting Workshop offered at the Old Ottawa South Firehall! This course is an intro to mindful parenting. If you have taken the evening workshop, not to worry!  This course takes what we originally learned (using the same resources), but invites you to dive into the practice. We experience different mindful meditations, play with the resources and explore our parenting / caregiving struggles.  We also have daily homework to get you into the habit of daily meditation. Lots of resources will be provided and participants will have full access to my extensive library throughout the week.

Price: $130 (course may be covered by your insurance)
Date: Thursday, May 3 & May 19 from 6:30-9pm

My 3rd course is the bread & butter of mindfulness. This 8 week, Mindfulness Based Stressed Reduction (MBSR) - or what I like to call, Mindfulness for Stressed out Folks - is the original foundational Mindfulness course. Designed by Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn, this intensive program immerses participants in the world of mindfulness through practice. Science tells us that daily mindful meditation over an 8 week period changes the way our brain works. It creates neural pathways that helps us to respond differently to stress, become more resilient to adversity and develop increased levels of compassion for self and others. 

I LOVE this course. I find that participants who really put in the time have had incredibly positive and life changing outcomes. If you’re a parent, teacher or caregiver, this course is GOLD! Not only does it provide you with a compassionate space to learn about your triggers, it gives you concrete tools that will allow you to work through and respond differently to those triggers. For me, the MBSR program has taught me the gift of the “pause”. As a parent and social worker, it has improved my relationships with both my children and partner, but also the way in which I see myself and my community.

Mindfulness practice has the potential to be life changing. 

Price: $425 (course may be covered by your insurance). Sliding Scale available.
Date: Sundays, May 6-June 24, from 6:30-9pm. Full day silent retreat on June 16th from 9:30-3pm.